Pondering God

So this evening I had the joyous pleasure of driving my son upstate to meet his step-mom and brother for the weekend. As we are waiting for them to arrive it suddenly starts raining like crazy. I mean, drenching rain in 2 mins. So we end up sitting in the truck laughing and talking. I love talking to my kids, they teach me so much. The conversation went EXACTLY like this: (If you are offended by talking about the size of God’s penis, please…keep reading and leave me a comment talking how sacrilegious I am)

(PS. this is the same boy that thought there was two Jennings…see previous post)

Xan: I used to be scared to walk in the rain, my friend told me one time that it was God peeing.

Me: Uh…what? (yep, I was speechless..and curious all at the same time)

Xan: But then I had a rational thought.

Me: You aren’t rational..

Xan: No, but I can have a thought.

Me: Ok, what is your rational thought?

Xan: Ok…picture it..well, don’t picture it…but you know. When a guy pees it’s usually in a straight line right?

Me: For argument’s sake, mostly.

Xan: So see, It couldn’t be God’s pee because he couldn’t have a straight line of pee and rain everywhere.

Me: *thinking*…Ok, would you say it’s safe to say that God is well endowed?

Xan: Uhm, huh?

Me: *giggling* Does God have a large penis?

Xan: I DON’T KNOW ITS NEVER DEPICTED (yes, he uses big words) but, ok, for this conversation…yes.

Me:Ok, when you are done peeing…what do you do?

Xan: uhmm flush?

Me: No, shake?

Xan: *uncontrollable laughter* yes

Me: Here Look:

Freak Rain we were in.

(Thunderstorm we were in)

Me: Now, doesn’t that look like a “shake pattern”

Xan: I am never walking in the rain again.

Talk to your chidden, be ridiculous, laugh uncontrollably.

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Go Go Gadget!

Ok, so this one is a couple of weeks over-due and I decided to get it taken care of tonight.

 

If you have read my blogs, you notice that simple things amuse the hell out of me. Of those being simple and straightforward funny stuff. So here is the story:

 

I went to get my hair cut a couple of weeks ago, and the wonderful stylist is also a follower of my blog; so she has seen some of the silliness that I come up with. Well, I walk into her shop and it’s pretty straight-forward. I think it’s adorable. Well when I walked in, she had me sit down to do my eyebrows at  the sink. Then she washed and massaged my hair/head. Well she spins me around and is towel drying my hair and goes to put something  on what I thought was the sink, so I kind of flinched expecting it to fall into the basin and break (because I over react at times) and nope, it was on a counter space. I actually stopped and said “whoa! wait a minute! the sink is a counter?” and she starts laughing at me. I’m not talking about a little giggle….she was full on laughing, because in that one instant all of the crap I posted before, she realized is the truth and not just something that I make up. I am that simple.

Her husband put hinges on a shelf and it lowers over the sink and makes instant counter space for her. It is officially the Go-Go Gadget sink!

Well she goes about cutting my hair then she swept up the hair on the floor, and all I see is her sweeping it against the wall. Yes, I do not pay very close attention to the details sometime. You can hide things from me in plain sight. Well as she takes that backstroke to (in my head) throw that hair up against the wall, there is a vacuum!! It sucks up the hair as it goes in. I was again, throughly impressed!  Now, to some of you this may not seem very funny.

But! She actually said, this is going to end up in a blog isn’t it. I laughed and said yes, yes it is.

Well, it got pushed back for a couple of days (Ok a week) and I had to bring my girls in for haircuts. She used a spray bottle on them because it would go quicker, well the bottle emptied and she had to refill it, so of course she uses the Go-Go Gadget sink. I didn’t tell my daughter, who is just as simple as I am. She sees her pull up that cabinet and shows the sink  and my daughter says OHHH WOW! COOL! Yep, that’s what I said too. We laughed and giggled over it. Then the youngest had to get her hair cut, and she swept up the hair…my youngest then says oh wow!! when the vacuum kicks on.

See, we are easily amused. And throughly love our stylist!


Let me catch you up

Let me catch you up.


Let me catch you up

Oh sweet heavens it’s been forever!!

How ya been?

How’s ya Momma?

(Sorry, that’s something we do down here; we say hello and immediately ask about your Momma)

Well, if I were to catch you up on all of the craziness that is Katherine Grace we would be here for DAYS people! So I will see what little tidbits I have saved in my phone and what little things she’s come up with lately.  So, here goes in a numbered list.

1.  Driving down the road, I am in the backseat with her and she looks at me and figures out I do NOT have my seatbelt on, the following commences:

Momma! You don’t have your seatbelt on!

No baby, I don’t.

OOO!!  MOMMA YOU GONNA GET TICKLED!

(Ok, she has my interest perked) Tickled?

YES MOMMA! The Cat is gonna come tickle you for not wearing a seatbelt.

A cat Gracie?

(she covers her mouth to giggle)

Nooo Momma (because clearly I misunderstood her) a Cop is gonna tickle you for not wearing a seat belt!

(okay then!)

2. Going shopping with Aunt Kasey and Aunt Andrea, she is quiet in her car seat and staring out the window:

“Hey Momma”

Me–Yes baby?

“Momma  where is God”

Me– Everywhere baby.

(she is staring intently at the clouds)

“Is God like our step-dad?”

Me–Uhm, what?

“Is God like our step-dad?  You know, he loves us all the time  no matter what  like Papa?”

Me–Yes baby, exactly.

“Oh good, I hope  God is taking care of your Daddy since  he is daddy-sitting for you”

Awesome–She has God babysitting my Dad

3. Ok this one deserves the full back story:

We were on our way home from daycare the other day and she is once again, in her carseat. Yes, I know, it seems all she ever does is sit in her carseat, but well that is the best place that she comes up with her material. Anyway, we were almost home and she was asking what we were doing after dinner. Was it movie night, I said no, she had to take her bath…this is what ended up.

Her: Momma I gotta take a bath when I get home?

Me: Yes baby

Her: Do I have to get dressed?

Me: Yes baby

Her: What can I wear

Me: Your underwear…your..(Hysterical laughter from the backseat)

 I flip the mirror so I can see her and she is damn near in tears laughing. I mean whole heartedly just got her first Eddie Murphy joke funny. She also has her mouth covered  and can not breathe she is laughing so flipping hard.

Me: Uhm, are you ok?

Her: (STILL LAUGHING!) You….(LAUGHING)….Said….(laughing)…UNDERWEAR….(laughs harder)

Me: *dumb founded*

Her: *laughing harder and repeating underwear over and over* Momma I’m a GIRL! DUHHH

Me: uhm, yes I know.

Her: I wear PANTIES…boys wear underwear!!! *fits of laughter*

We get home and she comes in the house….XANNNNNNIEEE MOMMA SAID I WEAR UNDERWEAR!!! The older girl then comes out of her room…no, we’re girls you wear panties.

Ahh…they’ve been talking again. Dammit!

Love your children, let them express themselves…in 50 years they will decide which kind of home to put us in: the good one with the pool, or the one with medicine in the paper cups.


Cause I’m Sugarbaby huh?

Today, I brought Gracie with me to Walmart and we walked around and shopped for her some new food. She is being tested for diabetes, so to help keep her feel better for now, I am very aware of everything she eats. So far today she has kept a pretty even keel:  no whining and fussing at the dog, no random scream at Netflix for buffering “Junk in the trunk” (Gnomeo and Juliet) and I am her favorite person.

Well, going through the store she was less than amused with people around her. We were in the toy section and a little boy was in front of us and he tripped. Well his dad fussed at him for getting in my way and making me mad. Uhm, yeah, my kids make me angry, not other people’s and definitely not a 4 yr old that tripped on his sagging “cool like baby daddy jeans”.

My daughter is my child. She said to this man:  “Don’t fuss you baby! Him tripped. Him not playin, gosh” and of course the “I pity you for being a douche head shake”. I just smiled and walked right on by.

We are minding our own business looking for silicone heart molds to make a valentine’s heart thing I found on pinterest. If you don’t know what pinterest is…here…you must look: http://pinterest.com/ it will forever change your life. (Ok, maybe not; but it gives you something to do). Anyway, we are walking through the baking stuff and this lady cuts Gracie off, like almost steps on her kind of cut her off, to which my child…yes MY child says: what is your problem I  walking here!

Now, in my daughter’s defense she is the most sweet, loveable, well-mannered child that you could ask for. She is considerate and helpful, empathetic and generally very well-behaved around adults. But today, she said it like it was.

So as we’re walking around she started asking about why she is eating new foods.

Me: because I want you to be healthy and not have a lot of sugary things.

Her: is this because she poked my finger and made it blood esserday?

Me:  yes, baby it is.

Her: is because her said my sugar is high?

Me: yes baby

and then she said the thing she always says to me when I say “I love you” to her

Her: is dacause I’m you sugarbaby huh momma?

Me: Yes baby I guess it is.

And that was that, she went back to pointing out things on the shelves and asking if she can have that or does it have sugar in it. A clerk dropped something and it kind of rumbled, so she quickly grabbed my phone and started pressing buttons. So afraid that she was trying to buy coins again (she tried it earlier for a game, hello? $45 for coins? uh, *cancel*) I grabbed my phone and noticed she was in the process of a text to her Aunt Kasey, I asked what was she saying, she replies: I need her to tell Loki (our dog)  don’t cry from the dunder (thunder) I’m coming.

What you doing?

Watching people.

Why?

Cause I got my eye in my hand.


Two Jennings?

Ok, so yesterday..the complete lack of intelligence day…apparently it is genetic!

 

Remember when I said the “intelligent 12 year old just shook his head” yeah, well! Let me tell you what that boy did yesterday afternoon!

He and the 3 yr old motor mouth had doctor appointments, nothing major, just a check-up. So he’s reading a book on the way there and the car is nice and peaceful because Bailey has completely fallen in love with the Kindle and motor mouth fell asleep. Well, I put on the blinker and start to take the exit. He looks up and we have the following conversation:

Him: Oh wow, we’re here already? (we live 45 mins from their Doctor because I refuse to find a new one)

Me: Yep, goes by faster when you have something to do.

Him: *looking around* so which Jennings are we in?

Me: *perplexed* huh?

Him: Which Jennings are we in? (mind you he is completely serious, and there is only one Jennings in the state of Louisiana)

Me: Uhm, the only one there is (in my head was: oh this will be interesting)

Him: No, there are two.

Me: uhhhh *drools* what?

Him: There are two Jennings Mom-muh! (tone included) You know, (eye roll) Jennings-Evangeline and Jennings-Elton.

Me: *dying laughing…can’t breathe I am laughing so hard–and causing a traffic jam at the stop sign, I forgot what I was doing for a minute) Uhm, Dew (a nickname…his real nickname is Xan..but I saw Xanadu, so Dew stuck) it’s the same Jennings. Those are the towns to the North of Jennings, and you get there by taking the road the other way.

Him: ooooohhhhhhhh! So you mean there is only one Lafayette? It’s just different parts?

Me: Are you messing with me? Because you know I can fall for crap pretty easy.

Him: uhmm yeah, of course I am. Totally messing with you. Ha..see.

Oh yeah, real believable.

 


Yep, Chipless Dip

Ok, this is going to be quick!

 

It’s one of those, to long for a status update…kinda irrelevant too with out the back story, but way to Me, not to share.

So, last night. I’m looking at ifunny, I love ifunny. If you dont know who they are, check it out here http://ifunny.mobi , there is also an app for your phone. ANYWAY! They posted up this picture:

This is the funniest commercial in the world to me right now. I laugh like a fool when it comes on.

Now, the part about me last night:

I was sitting here watching TV with my kiddos and looking at ifunny,  I see this and out of my mouth (my hand to baby Jesus) I said…out loud mind you: “OH NEAT! THEY HAVE THIS COMMERCIAL IN OTHER PLACES!” …yep, I said it. My very intelligent 12 year old, just looked at me and shook his head. What ever was I thinking.

Then today, I’m having a conversation with a very good friend of mine, she is loud and outrageous and often speaks before thinking, but that is what makes her …her. ANYWAY!

And she pointed out that I am rather simple. Not in a “simpleton” kind of way, but in a child-like honest kind of way. That if I say or do something it is what it is, and nothing more. I am a dip, without chips at times. But, that’s ok. I  would rather be naive, it keeps me from taking myself or my life to seriously.

I was at one time a mean and vindictive person, like no other. Until I realized that I am the cause of my own unhappiness, and unless I can be happy with  me…no one else will be. I think I’m much better to be around now.

OH!

One more, for a frequent blog follower–you know who you are:

I read your Facebook status today, and then proceeded to, some say stalk; I say research, the comments that followed.

The status was about bringing your daughter  to the hospital because she isnt feeling well, and one comment you made was “time for my LYSOL bubble”…now to everyone else…they knew what you meant. I however, sat here for about 5 minutes trying to figure out what you meant.

“Laughing YourSelf Out Loud” …no, why would she laugh if her daughter is sick?

“Leaving Your Sanity on the Lawn”…well, that kinda fits.

“Leave Your Socks On the Line”…I don’t think she hangs clothes to dry.

And then it hit me! *facepalm*…lysol, the disinfectant….yep, she’s a bit OCD…or in her case CDO because she puts the letters in order, none the less…she was my “LAMSBIACD” moment.

“Laugh At Myself Because I’m A Chipless Dip”

Happy Thursday!