Ok, so I am sitting here minding my own business…looking at different blogs all over the web and learning new ways to do things. My daughters are playing “baby-dolls” in their room and being little mommas.
Well, they were in the kitchen at first, and I mentioned “don’t y’all have a room”…and suddenly they remembered that cave they call a room. So the conversations started.
Bailey: It’s time to get our dawters from school.
Katherine Grace: Oh, poop! We’ll be late…we have to drive.
Bailey: No we won’t, this is in the future so we don’t have to drive
(They are walking across the living room to their room)
Grace: Oh! So in the future we will walk everywhere.
Bailey: Nooo silly….we float in no gravity.
So off they go to their room, and the land of finding their daughters. The next conversation isn’t quite so cute. At first:
Bailey: No, girls have innies.
Grace: So, boys have outies?
Bailey: Yeah, real boys have outies…boys that are supposed to be girls have innies… (My girls get transgender)
Bailey: well of course. Girls are always innies, and boys are always outies…its how you know
Grace: *dying laughing*
Bailey: What is so funny?
Grace: CONNOR IS AN INNIE! CONNOR IS A GIRL!
Bailey: No, he doesn’t have one…Momma unscrewed his and took it off because he was running around the house one day.
Finally! I get it! They are talking about belly buttons!! Oh sweet merciful baby Jesus, they are still innocent. Man, I was getting worried for a second.
OK, the story on how you unscrew a belly button.
When I was a little girl, I lived with my grandparents; these people were Saints I tell you. My grandfather was a Pentecostal Minister, and so was my grandmother. Actually, my grandmother was one of the first Ordained Pentecostal Ministers of the time. Yes, this is a big deal…say oooo! Neat! Ok thanks.
Anyway! One day I was about 9 or so, and it was rainy and wet outside, and I couldn’t play. So instead I was running through the house with our dogs and making noise. Well, the kitchen was a step up from the living room, and then a step down going to the back hall. I would forget about the step up again on the way back through and always crash through the china hutch. My grandmother would sit at the little island or at the table with my grandfather and have coffee in the afternoons while they talked and prayed or read their bible together; and my 9 yr. old self crashing into the china hutch was a bit of a disturbance.
Granny looked up that day and told me to go fetch a screwdriver; I said yes, ma’am and did what I was told to do. I brought her the screwdriver, and she put it on the table next to her pen. I went back to running through the house, crashing into the china cabinet and then tripping over a rocking chair. How did that get there! (I did have to get the screwdriver from Pawpaw’s truck) Well I got up finished the track to the front bedroom, turned around and came back through…tripped over the rocker again and almost made the corner, when low and behold the hand of God reached down and stopped me.
Ok, it was Pawpaw, but in my mind it was something much larger because I just…stopped. Granny grabs my shirt and shows my belly button, and puts the screwdriver on it and started turning the screwdriver, she wasn’t hurting me so don’t get all Child Protection on me; I looked down and asked:
Me: Granny, uhm…whatcha doin?
Granny: Hush, be still I almost got it!
Pawpaw: Give her a warning first…you know how much trouble they are to put back on.
Granny: Ok, a warning. (She turns the screwdriver the opposite way…righty tightie, lefty loosey) Papoose! If you don’t sit still and read a book or do SOMETHING ELSE, I am going to unscrew your bellybutton and let your legs fall off.
Me: Yes ma’am….does that really work though? (Doubting Thomas here)
Pawpaw: Sit down and let me see your leg.
I sat down, he took my leg and swung it back and forth…”See that, it’s still loose it just wobbles there”
I went read a book.
28 years later, I understand where I get my sense of humor from.
What is one of your funny childhood memories?