Tag Archives: humor

Pondering God

So this evening I had the joyous pleasure of driving my son upstate to meet his step-mom and brother for the weekend. As we are waiting for them to arrive it suddenly starts raining like crazy. I mean, drenching rain in 2 mins. So we end up sitting in the truck laughing and talking. I love talking to my kids, they teach me so much. The conversation went EXACTLY like this: (If you are offended by talking about the size of God’s penis, please…keep reading and leave me a comment talking how sacrilegious I am)

(PS. this is the same boy that thought there was two Jennings…see previous post)

Xan: I used to be scared to walk in the rain, my friend told me one time that it was God peeing.

Me: Uh…what? (yep, I was speechless..and curious all at the same time)

Xan: But then I had a rational thought.

Me: You aren’t rational..

Xan: No, but I can have a thought.

Me: Ok, what is your rational thought?

Xan: Ok…picture it..well, don’t picture it…but you know. When a guy pees it’s usually in a straight line right?

Me: For argument’s sake, mostly.

Xan: So see, It couldn’t be God’s pee because he couldn’t have a straight line of pee and rain everywhere.

Me: *thinking*…Ok, would you say it’s safe to say that God is well endowed?

Xan: Uhm, huh?

Me: *giggling* Does God have a large penis?

Xan: I DON’T KNOW ITS NEVER DEPICTED (yes, he uses big words) but, ok, for this conversation…yes.

Me:Ok, when you are done peeing…what do you do?

Xan: uhmm flush?

Me: No, shake?

Xan: *uncontrollable laughter* yes

Me: Here Look:

Freak Rain we were in.

(Thunderstorm we were in)

Me: Now, doesn’t that look like a “shake pattern”

Xan: I am never walking in the rain again.

Talk to your chidden, be ridiculous, laugh uncontrollably.

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Go Go Gadget!

Ok, so this one is a couple of weeks over-due and I decided to get it taken care of tonight.

 

If you have read my blogs, you notice that simple things amuse the hell out of me. Of those being simple and straightforward funny stuff. So here is the story:

 

I went to get my hair cut a couple of weeks ago, and the wonderful stylist is also a follower of my blog; so she has seen some of the silliness that I come up with. Well, I walk into her shop and it’s pretty straight-forward. I think it’s adorable. Well when I walked in, she had me sit down to do my eyebrows at  the sink. Then she washed and massaged my hair/head. Well she spins me around and is towel drying my hair and goes to put something  on what I thought was the sink, so I kind of flinched expecting it to fall into the basin and break (because I over react at times) and nope, it was on a counter space. I actually stopped and said “whoa! wait a minute! the sink is a counter?” and she starts laughing at me. I’m not talking about a little giggle….she was full on laughing, because in that one instant all of the crap I posted before, she realized is the truth and not just something that I make up. I am that simple.

Her husband put hinges on a shelf and it lowers over the sink and makes instant counter space for her. It is officially the Go-Go Gadget sink!

Well she goes about cutting my hair then she swept up the hair on the floor, and all I see is her sweeping it against the wall. Yes, I do not pay very close attention to the details sometime. You can hide things from me in plain sight. Well as she takes that backstroke to (in my head) throw that hair up against the wall, there is a vacuum!! It sucks up the hair as it goes in. I was again, throughly impressed!  Now, to some of you this may not seem very funny.

But! She actually said, this is going to end up in a blog isn’t it. I laughed and said yes, yes it is.

Well, it got pushed back for a couple of days (Ok a week) and I had to bring my girls in for haircuts. She used a spray bottle on them because it would go quicker, well the bottle emptied and she had to refill it, so of course she uses the Go-Go Gadget sink. I didn’t tell my daughter, who is just as simple as I am. She sees her pull up that cabinet and shows the sink  and my daughter says OHHH WOW! COOL! Yep, that’s what I said too. We laughed and giggled over it. Then the youngest had to get her hair cut, and she swept up the hair…my youngest then says oh wow!! when the vacuum kicks on.

See, we are easily amused. And throughly love our stylist!


Yep, Chipless Dip

Ok, this is going to be quick!

 

It’s one of those, to long for a status update…kinda irrelevant too with out the back story, but way to Me, not to share.

So, last night. I’m looking at ifunny, I love ifunny. If you dont know who they are, check it out here http://ifunny.mobi , there is also an app for your phone. ANYWAY! They posted up this picture:

This is the funniest commercial in the world to me right now. I laugh like a fool when it comes on.

Now, the part about me last night:

I was sitting here watching TV with my kiddos and looking at ifunny,  I see this and out of my mouth (my hand to baby Jesus) I said…out loud mind you: “OH NEAT! THEY HAVE THIS COMMERCIAL IN OTHER PLACES!” …yep, I said it. My very intelligent 12 year old, just looked at me and shook his head. What ever was I thinking.

Then today, I’m having a conversation with a very good friend of mine, she is loud and outrageous and often speaks before thinking, but that is what makes her …her. ANYWAY!

And she pointed out that I am rather simple. Not in a “simpleton” kind of way, but in a child-like honest kind of way. That if I say or do something it is what it is, and nothing more. I am a dip, without chips at times. But, that’s ok. I  would rather be naive, it keeps me from taking myself or my life to seriously.

I was at one time a mean and vindictive person, like no other. Until I realized that I am the cause of my own unhappiness, and unless I can be happy with  me…no one else will be. I think I’m much better to be around now.

OH!

One more, for a frequent blog follower–you know who you are:

I read your Facebook status today, and then proceeded to, some say stalk; I say research, the comments that followed.

The status was about bringing your daughter  to the hospital because she isnt feeling well, and one comment you made was “time for my LYSOL bubble”…now to everyone else…they knew what you meant. I however, sat here for about 5 minutes trying to figure out what you meant.

“Laughing YourSelf Out Loud” …no, why would she laugh if her daughter is sick?

“Leaving Your Sanity on the Lawn”…well, that kinda fits.

“Leave Your Socks On the Line”…I don’t think she hangs clothes to dry.

And then it hit me! *facepalm*…lysol, the disinfectant….yep, she’s a bit OCD…or in her case CDO because she puts the letters in order, none the less…she was my “LAMSBIACD” moment.

“Laugh At Myself Because I’m A Chipless Dip”

Happy Thursday!

 


It’s all about the context…

Ok, so I am sitting here minding my own business…looking at different blogs all over the web and learning new ways to do things. My daughters are playing “baby-dolls” in their room and being little mommas.

Well, they were in the kitchen at first, and I mentioned “don’t y’all have a room”…and suddenly they remembered that cave they call a room. So the conversations started.

Bailey: It’s time to get our dawters from school.

Katherine Grace: Oh, poop! We’ll be late…we have to drive.

Bailey: No we won’t, this is in the future so we don’t have to drive

(They are walking across the living room to their room)

Grace: Oh! So in the future we will walk everywhere.

Bailey: Nooo silly….we float in no gravity.

So off they go to their room, and the land of finding their daughters. The next conversation isn’t quite so cute. At first:

Bailey: No, girls have innies.

Grace: So, boys have outies?

Bailey: Yeah, real boys have outies…boys that are supposed to be girls have innies… (My girls get transgender)

Grace: Really?

Bailey: well of course. Girls are always innies, and boys are always outies…its how you know

Grace: *dying laughing*

Bailey: What is so funny?

Grace: CONNOR IS AN INNIE! CONNOR IS A GIRL!

Bailey: No, he doesn’t have one…Momma unscrewed his and took it off because he was running around the house one day.

Finally! I get it! They are talking about belly buttons!! Oh sweet merciful baby Jesus, they are still innocent. Man, I was getting worried for a second.

OK, the story on how you unscrew a belly button.

When I was a little girl, I lived with my grandparents; these people were Saints I tell you. My grandfather was a Pentecostal Minister, and so was my grandmother. Actually, my grandmother was one of the first Ordained Pentecostal Ministers of the time. Yes, this is a big deal…say oooo! Neat! Ok thanks.

Anyway! One day I was about 9 or so, and it was rainy and wet outside, and I couldn’t play. So instead I was running through the house with our dogs and making noise. Well, the kitchen was a step up from the living room, and then a step down going to the back hall. I would forget about the step up again on the way back through and always crash through the china hutch. My grandmother would sit at the little island or at the table with my grandfather and have coffee in the afternoons while they talked and prayed or read their bible together; and my 9 yr. old self crashing into the china hutch was a bit of a disturbance.

Granny looked up that day and told me to go fetch a screwdriver; I said yes, ma’am and did what I was told to do. I brought her the screwdriver, and she put it on the table next to her pen. I went back to running through the house, crashing into the china cabinet and then tripping over a rocking chair. How did that get there! (I did have to get the screwdriver from Pawpaw’s truck) Well I got up finished the track to the front bedroom, turned around and came back through…tripped over the rocker again and almost made the corner, when low and behold the hand of God reached down and stopped me.

Ok, it was Pawpaw, but in my mind it was something much larger because I just…stopped. Granny grabs my shirt and shows my belly button, and puts the screwdriver on it and started turning the screwdriver, she wasn’t hurting me so don’t get all Child Protection on me; I looked down and asked:

Me: Granny, uhm…whatcha doin?

Granny: Hush, be still I almost got it!

Me: uhm…Granny?

Pawpaw: Give her a warning first…you know how much trouble they are to put back on.

Granny: Ok, a warning. (She turns the screwdriver the opposite way…righty tightie, lefty loosey) Papoose! If you don’t sit still and read a book or do SOMETHING ELSE, I am going to unscrew your bellybutton and let your legs fall off.

Me: Yes ma’am….does that really work though? (Doubting Thomas here)

Pawpaw: Sit down and let me see your leg.

I sat down, he took my leg and swung it back and forth…”See that, it’s still loose it just wobbles there”

I went read a book.

28 years later, I understand where I get my sense of humor from.

What is one of your funny childhood memories?


Say Goodnight Gracie!!

Ok, it’s been a little while since I have had anything real to say, and just when I thought that child couldn’t possibly top herself–she started talking. So here are a couple of gems from SugarBaby.

Enjoy…and remember she is only 3.

The other night while going to bed.

My son, Duck…asks me for a bottle of water. Of course I say no, and inform him I am not his slave. Now enter SugarBaby:

“Yeah, momma not you slave!”
(I’m thinking she’s on my side)
“mommy’s my slave….huh mommy”
(ugh…kid go to sleep)

Today, I was sent a picture of President Obama saying happy holidays or something. Well I asked her:

“Hey little girl ” (yes that’s how I talk to her, remember I do have 5 children plus 2 step-children, names run together)
She looks up at me and says “what”
Apparently, I am interrupting computer time, so I better make it snappy.
(biting back a laugh) I ask her…”do you love Obama?”
Without missing a beat she hooks me for another lifetime and says “I love you momma”

She is very articulate until she is ready for bed. There is a set ritual.

1.strawberry milk
2.a movie on “fetfix”

So tonight her oldest brother asks her what movie? (he doesn’t live here full time so he is rusty on speaking SugarBaby), she said:

“wanna watch junk in the trunk”
Uhm…”what”
“wanna watch junk in the trunk”

(she now has her hand on her hip and one hand in the air..as if to say…don’t make me repeat myself …AGAIN!)

Mind you, I am dying from trying not to laugh. And he just looks at me for help.

I said ” she wants to watch Gnomeo and Juliette.”

Him: *FACEPALM*– * laughs* and says “of course..how foolish of me not to know that”

I’m telling you…this child is just plain silly.

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This is her : Shhh…See I’m sleeping face. (Notice the squinched up eyes…I’m guessing someone is faking sleep)


Out of the Mouths of Babes

Had a long talk with Ms. Katherine Grace this morning. She counted to 10, said her ABC’s, told me her full name (it’s a mouthful!) Then told me the most amazing things…kinda went like this:

Me: Who do you call if you get a bo-bo?
Her: I call you! cause you kiss band-aids before you put them on.
Me: Who do you call if someone hurts you?
Her: I call….(and that finger goes to her mouth again because she’s in deep thought)….I call Pappa!
Me: Why do you call Pappa?
Her: So he can hurt them back.
Me: Do you call anyone else?
Her: I call Daddy!!
Me: (trying so hard not to giggle) Why do you call Daddy?

Her: So he can arrest them! Then MawMaw T and Paw Paw C …can throw em in jail and never-never let them out!

Me: Oh wow! 

Her: Yep! Then MawMaw D takes me shopping at the piggy (Piggly Wiggly) place and get snacks then watch movies in her big big bed togever!

Never miss a moment to talk to your kids and really listen to what they have to say. If I could walk around with a camera on my head for the rest of their lives I would. I would never miss another day, or word they have said.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not soccer mom of the year or the one that bakes fresh homemade cookies for teachers just because. I don’t tend to volunteer and I rarely get involved with the other “super mom” things in life.

But!

I am and have always been there for my children. I focus on the foundation of their lives, making them to be strong, smart, caring individuals for when they decide to move out and leave, they will make any situation better.

My oldest bio-son is almost 17 years old now, he lives with his father in the upper part of the state because he is in Air Force ROTC, and his dad is active duty Air Force; so that’s the right place for him. ANYWAY! He called yesterday to ask my opinion on him doing usher detail at the Independence Bowl the day after Christmas, I said : “Well that is your decision, I am very proud of you and I always said I wouldn’t let things like visits with me get in the way of your memories. Although, it will mean you have to either switch weeks that you come down, OR go back up before Christmas Day.” (I don’t travel on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, haven’t since 1991)

He paused, and said “No, I won’t do it…(his voice cracked)…I’m not missing Christmas with you. I’ve never missed Christmas with you, and I never will. EVER.”

 

Have I mentioned how much I love my children?


Time for school! Wipe the drool!

Ok, let me start this off with the standard…

 “I love my kids and they are my everything, every single second of every blasted day. I would do anything for them and they know this.”

Ok, that being said: Why must they antagonize each other so much ?! I have 5 children and 2 step-children (yes that is 7), whom I cherish and adore and want nothing more than to bury my nose in their necks and just go “ttthhhhpppttthhhbbbbbttthhh” you know, a Zerbert (enter obscure Cosby Show reference).  But my word! The kids in the morning? I swear they all need a cup of coffee or something. Someone needs to man up and say “No, don’t talk to me until I have my first smoke and cup of coffee”, now my kids do not smoke, however if it fixed a few attitudes at 6:30 am, I may consider it.

No one actually speaks, as in to help or have a conversation. No, they growl and spit shortened Neanderthal sentences at one another until the other blows up, whines or gets confused on what task they were performing. Usually the confusion is mid-teeth brushing, while the toothbrush hangs precariously from their rabid frothed mouths, and doesn’t clear until I sneak…yes I sneak up on them, I like the element of surprise, and the look of panic as all of a sudden I am in the bathroom mirror with them, it’s very cathartic to scare the wits out of someone who is really making your morning a hell; but I digress. I sneak up and say rather quickly and in a well heard (yelling) voice…finish brushing your teeth, and they  miraculously pop back into brushing stride. It wouldn’t be so bad if I only had to say this once a day, but no, alas it is 5-6 times a morning. Now if you do the math: 6 mornings x 5 days a week x 3 kids a day x 36 weeks a school year = 3, 240 times (just on school days) a year I am having to remind someone with a toothbrush in their mouth to…BRUSH YOUR EVER LOVING TEETH ALREADY!

And suddenly it is 7:25, and from the door I hear…”If you’re coming with me you better come on!”…ahhh my savior to take them away in the magic black truck. I am showered with: I love you Momma, and no she’s kissing me bye first! followed by the inevitable 3 yr old cry–But I want to say bye first!

I just focus on the kisses and I love you’s and have a great day at school, and the wonderful advice from the 7th grader: don’t text in class, teachers don’t like it.

Ya think?

The upside of it: I don’t have to wait in the car line at school in the morning. By 7:30 am, Pappa has them, and I seceretly wait for him to get home a mere 25 mins later and see the smoke coming out of his Viking ears as he says..”what is with them? 20 minutes …in a car and suddenly you want to let one loose in the country!”

(ahh I love my life, I am blessed)